Exercise from the book “Immunity for Change”
A member of the business Mastermind I host expressed last Thursday that she struggles with boundaries.
While she has been saying more ‘no’s,’ its the ‘why not’ that immediately follows that she struggles with. Having to justify her ‘no.’ Sometimes the wall of guilt lasts long past the conversation.
I shared two resources:
Former FBI negotiator Chris Voss has two questions he recommends in negotiations.
➡️ The first is “How am I supposed to do that?” This statement is designed to put the onus back on the person asking to do the heavy lifting.
➡️ The second is “You have been very generous [shows respect], but that just doesn’t work for me.” He argues that you have to let the ‘no’s out slowly. Don’t blindside the requester.
The second is an exercise from the book Immunity to Change by Robert Kegan and Lisa Laskow Lahey. They present a process and roadmap for diagnosing and understanding the reasons why individuals struggle with change and an exercise for making personal change.
The exercise is a four-step “Immunity Map” [leaneast.com]
- Commitment (improvement goal)
- Doing/not doing instead
- Hidden competing commitments
- Big assumptions
STEP 1: Commitment (Improvement Goal)
This section contains your improvement goal. It is best to focus on a single change that is:
- Important to you and a big deal to you if you can get dramatically better at this.
- Important to one or many important people in your life. Your spouse and kids should agree that this is important. Your boss or co-workers should value this goal.
- Primarily focuses on you and changes you need to make.
STEP 2: Doing/Not Doing Instead
Take a fearless inventory of everything you are doing that works against your improvement goal. Focus on concrete behaviors and be honest! Spend time on a deep dive examination in this step. The more honest you are now, the easier it will be for you to identify root causes later. Do not explain reasons in this column, just focus on identifying the negative behaviors.
STEP 3: Hidden Competing Commitments
It is crucial to put in hard work on the previous sections in order to complete this section of the immunity map. For the third column, answer the following question about each of your entries in the second column: “If I imagine myself doing the opposite of this, what is the most uncomfortable, worrisome, or scary feeling that comes to mind?”
If none of your entries evoke a genuine and significant fear, stop and ask yourself, “and what would be the worst about that for me?” The authors stress, “It is critical at this point to get to a place where you feel yourself at risk in some way; where you are unprotected from something that feels dangerous to you.”
The key to this step is learning how your improvement goal is never going to happen due to your core contradictions. This is the root cause step, and step 4 is understanding why you have those beliefs.
STEP 4: Big Assumptions
Review the hidden competing commitments you identified in column 3 and brainstorm all the possible assumptions a person who had such commitments might hold.
So let’s do the exercise with the Mastermind member’s challenge in saying ‘no.’
Once the map is complete, the secrets to overcoming the immunity to change should become clear.
If you want to land a Tedtalk & build credibility for your personal brand, I can help. Step 1 is getting clear on that ONE thing you’ll talk about. I’m hosting a half day workshop on March 11th. Book your spot today. Link in bio.
